You know, I never thought I'd get to this place. I feel exactly how I felt three years ago. Before I ever met you or left for Texas or knew of Texas or any of that. But I don't feel like you never existed. Never, ever that. But I am happy and back into the swing of things and reading and watching all my favorite movies and listening to all my favorite songs. And the old stuff, too. Which is so great.
Again, I don't know why I stopped blogging. I don't know why I decided to blog tonight. This has always just been an outlet for me and had very little to do with who read it.
It is a very weird feeling when you wake up one morning and something just clicks. Or maybe God clicks. And this large, all consuming dark cloud filled with weight just .. lifts itself off of you. It's so beautiful and I am so grateful that I am finally here. And all in one piece.
Texas sucked. It was dark, rainy, lonely, scary and emotional. I think everything I was feeling on the outside just magnified itself in every way on the outside while I was there. But I had to leave. I needed to leave and be alone and go through all of that just to get to this beautiful place. I had to leave to come right back. And that's real.
Life is a mess. Bad shit happens and you lose people and things and feelings along the way but that doesn't make ANY of this less worth living. I mean, some things never, ever go away. And that's okay, too.
I am learning more and more that everything in life is perceptual. Most things are dependent entirely on how you look at them. If something happens to you and feel like you'll never get over it, you probably won't. I know this may seem like common sense to some (many?) of you but it took me soooo long to get here. After the cloud lifted, I started looking on the bright side of things.
I take note of the weather or a happy couple on the street. Or a new song, clean sheets, a text message. Anything. Your life is dependent on you and what you make of it. Each and every day.
And it's not about having things! Material or emotional. It's not about having cars or clothes or even Love or companionship. All of these are equally important in their own way but how you feel (inside and out), what you think, what you do and what you say are what's MOST important.
I'd always known that material things came and went but the tough lesson this time was that people do too. And your family and friends and significant other are all very defining parts of your life but if you don't even know who you are -- if you can't even define yourself, on your own -- trouble and pain are bound to follow.
Standing on my own two feet. What a blessing!
