This is the last one for November and it's going to be good.

Three months and eleven days is not long, not long at all. One of the trickest things about a break up is discerning whether or not your new decisions are really your decisions or if you're just trying to prove some sort of sick point. Ethier way, it's too late. How things ended up this way I. Still. Have. No. Idea. I can't look at you without wanting to cry. Without wanting to grab you and jump with you into some nonexistant time portal back to last year. But this is all just wishful thinking and wishes just don't come true. We were never black and white. I was red and you were blue. And still I can't touch you without feeling like I'm burning you or fucking you up.

Things will nevaaa, evaa be the same. I take one step forward and two steps back. I have one door creaking closed and another is blasting wide open. Sort of like the pressure of the air someone must feel when they're about to jump out of a plane. My self-respect is a choice. The most adult thing I can bring myself to do.

Like I said around this same time last year -- you've got to be able to look your problems in the eye and really fucking wrestle with them. So I still have my same last name (that's Ms. Roussel to you) and I put my war paint on and I look in the mirror and I tell myself: it's okay to cry and it's okay to be sad but there's gotta be a line, mama. You've got to have limits. You've got to not only tell yourself "this isn't good, I shouldn't be doing this" but you've got to STOP doing what isn't good, too.

There is nothing short of God coming down off his starry Lazyboy that could change my mind. My self-respect is a choice. The bitterness is dissolving and I'm getting closer to that point where I can look back and just be happy. Be happy that I was happy. That God ever blessed me with something so awesome -- even if it didn't turn out how I wanted to in the end. But hey, such is life. And woe is me and blah, blah, blah.

Life isn't pretty pictures or literature or movies or a song on the radio. It's being honest and making decisions and learning how to put yourself back together after someone tears you apart.

x

The older I get, the more I believe in the idea that there is a time and a place for everything under the Sun. This is all a big learning process. There comes a point in everyone's life when you start to really feel who you are. Not know or think but you can feel the deepest, most genuine parts of yourself coming into being. Do you run with it or do you suppress it? 'Cause being intellectual and being smart are two different things. Like saying you're going to do the right thing and actually doing it are.

We break glasses at holidays when we're younger. Everything is replaceable. We don't know the worth of things. We don't understand that time is money and money is work and working is hard. We don't worry about our mother's sighs as she sweeps up the broken glass. Those were her favorites. It's just a little oopsy and before you know it, we're back doing laps around the house with cousins and siblings.

Now I'm not saying we have to break things before we can know what they're worth. What I'm trying to communicate is the idea that there is a time and a place for ignorance. There is a time and a place for when we don't know what's going on and when we don't care what happens. There is a time and a place for those days when we feel lethargic and bitter. But how long is that supposed to last?

Taking accountability is hard. Being able to say, "I fucked up" is HARD. But it's not impossible to get out.

There are times to be naive and times to be disillusioned. There are times to be elated and "warm and fuzzy" and there are times when we reserve the right to shut the whole world out. And I want you to know that's okay.

I just hope (from the most firey parts of my heart) that you aren't denying yourself .. yourself. You deserve to be who are without feeling guilty or ashamed or embarrassed. 'Cause I still think you're wonderful.

But what do I know?

Here I am again, exposing myself. Just when I think I've stripped myself down to the bone, I find another layer worth removing. I'm in between lost and so sure. I swing from branch to branch, justifying bad behaviors and saying things I don't mean. I hide notes from myself and can't finish a single song without changing the radio station. I can feel myself changing, yet again. I morph and bend. Fluidity is my second name. Notice how this sounds smiliar to idiot in the middle. I will not play into "the game". I'm already losing, have already lost. I don't need to hide how I feel or diminish experience. Have you ever looked behind someone's eyes? Not into them but behind. Words aren't words. They don't mean anything. The letters hold the meaning, I guess. Iceberg theory. 80%, 20% and it's such a fucking shame. We rely on the silliest things. Like how entitled we feel when we see the sun sprout up from under it's blue comforter. Like it's ours or something. The world is hollow. Up here, everything happens. This is the level of events. But it's down below (in the core), where the Earth gets it's speed. We are not masters or composers of love and luck. We only fall victim and prey to their promises and believe we are educated.

We lie.

I never, ever had that. How could I have been so convolluted?

I wish I could be the person I used to be. I wish I still had a reason to be good. I wish I recognized that I still do. I wish I didn't smoke and drink so much. I wish I wasn't out there. I wish I had someone to pull me back.

e f f o r t l e s s♥.

So the blog has been lacking and I do apologize. I've been out every weekend for the past month and I believe last weekend was my tipping point. 

I am searching for something. Sometimes it's something new, sometimes it's something more familiar. I take each day as they come and every feeling along with them. Some days I laugh and some days I cry. I run, run, run errands or pick away at details. 

I've met so many new and interesting people. I've stepped out of some major comfort zones and really enjoyed myself in the process. As usual, I am growing and learning and soaking everything up. 

It feels strange at times to walk around the same city you've lived in for so long and have it feel brand new. I've fallen backward and been pushed forward. I am still trying to get all my little ducks in a row but I am confident I will be there soon. 

I am amazed by all my possibilities. I really, really am.

It's so strange how people move in and out of our lives. People I swore I'd never see again, I spend whole weekends with. 

I am looking for positivity and sincerity and maybe a little sacrifice. My list hasn't changed. If I really think about it .. I want the same things for myself. The same things I've deserved and desired for so long.

I owe everything I have to God. I can't explain it any further than that. It's a feeling I just can't vocalize.

I haven't blogged because I feel like I have nothing important to say. A lot of things I want to blog about would just be a regurgitation of previous posts.

That being said, I hope you all are experiencing new things and soaking them up, as well. Keep working hard and moving forward. I'm right there with you -- I promise!