I couldn't think of a better time to get some words out.

You are the first thing that comes to mind. As usual, as always. I am clearly at my most fucked up state of mind if this is the case (still) after almost 5 months. I am a mess and it's clear as crystal to see. I know where I'm going and where I want to be. Problem is, I don't know what's there other than more gray memories of you.

I need to get over it. I know I do. And most days it's not so bad, I can find something to laugh at or some boy to smile at but .. when I'm alone? Things are different. I'll leave it at that.

My mind is racing. Not only because I have a little over fourty-five minutes left in 2009 but also because I took 4 ibruprofren, am lacking sleep, hydration and maybe a good meal.

I only have one place in my mind and that place is the ultimate personification of you. Only I can say if I'm doing this on purpose.

(I'm not)

I will make it my own.

This might sound self-righteous but I must have something good (great, amazing, awesome, inspired) coming for me because I've been down for too. Damn. Long. I mean, I can't even remember what the fuck I was doing before August. It just hit me like a truck and that (this) has been my life for the past four-odd months.

I mean, how fucked up do you have to be to find a picture of yourself and say, "Oh that's cute!" Like maybe that's not even you in the photograph. Like it's your cousin or your sister or your friend.

I can't even remember who I was before August. When I try to think about it, everything gets jumbled and it turns into this "arguing, math test, 4th of July, Xbox, showers together, I hate you" black cloud.

And I see friends who have gone through what I have (and definitely worse shit that I am facing now) and they're happy. They're really, truly happy and fulfilled. Not impossible happy, might I mention. The kind of happy I used to be and could be again with a little more time.

I'm just tired of acting like this and I can't seem to stop myself. Can't seem to stop myself from listening to the same songs and reading the same things and looking at the same pictures and websites and text messages. It's sad.

I'm sad. In both regards.

Pathetic and genuinely sad. Like boo hoo, FML SAD.

But let me quote the random, funny-hat guy that trailed into my job just a few days after my great fall:

"Imagine how fucked up the world would be if everyone was happy all the time. Happiness doesn't last forever and nethier does saddness. Take one for the collective team. It's your moment to be sad and a moment is all it is."

I have yet to run into that guy again.

Very few things have changed. Very, very few.

Quality not quantity.

This word has been on my mind and the roots of my eyelashes for the past three years.

I don't know why things just suck so bad sometimes. I don't know why people live their whole lives and never amount to much. I don't why God plucked the most vivacious fruit from the Earth at just fifteen. I don't why somedays it seems we live, live, live to just lay down and die. I don't know why we fall into depression's trap door. I don't know why people leave and never come back. I don't know why holes are made inside of us that only certain people can fill. I don't know why we let people make these holes.

But I do know that our dreams are never too far off. And I know if things aren't going your way, they're probably going God's way. And I know He is in everything and that I have the ability to cast all of my deepest, darkest fears onto Him and He will make me strong. I know that killing yourself over one person is comical to God when He's given you so many other people to live for. I know you have wings. You can go anywhere, do anything -- be anyone you've ever wanted to be. He gave you allll the tools.

I know you're not alone. We can bear our crosses together. Boys, friends, jobs, clothes, money .. that all comes and goes. But family is forever. You and I and our Creator are forever.

You are still the most beautiful, strong, compassionate, enduring young woman I have ever met. You may not see it but I do. So trust me. And trust Him. This is nothing you can't handle.

People worry about never being the same. I know I do. But who said never being the same meant never being happy again? Not a fucking soul. Because that's not what that means.

+ everything is going to the beat