One day I woke up and I just didn't feel like being sad anymore. I didn't feel like being mean or hurtful or angry or bitter. I woke up and said, "You know what? I don't feel so good today. But the whole world doesn't need to know."
And this is how I've been living my life for the past two months or so. I mean, I was feeling GREAT when I came home from Texas and even in that post from March but I can't even begin to describe how everyday has just gotten better and better. I know it sounds contrived or sarcastic but .. it really isn't.
I am just so happy and Blessed and relieved to be here. On Earth. Experiencing things that should feel so old and recycled and having everything feel exciting and brand new. I remember driving down the same street two or three summers ago in the city where my job is now never, ever once thinking that (hey!) my next job was nestled in that shopping center.
I still have a lot of growing to do. A little more discipline I need to exhibit. But for now, I am planning on summer. Tanning, and finding my center, reading, getting sand between my toes. No real expectations. I let all that shit go a long time ago.
I also know that I need to stop looking. Stop glancing over my shoulder, stop dissecting faces and shoulder blades and the tones of voices. I need to stop looking for it. Focus on other things, set new goals and really try to enjoy myself for the next three months. Exercise sounds good. Quitting smoking. Something to continue the shine of this little positive beam I've got in my heart right now.
I need to stop looking for it.
And everyone knows what it is.
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