Sometimes I feel like I'm living under this bar of what my Life could be. Like I'm living at maybe a 3.5 on a scale of one to ten. Ironically, when I think about how I feel as far as confidence, spirituality, or overall inner peace I feel like I'm at an 8 or 9!

But like I told Morayo: it is so difficult for me to work toward something I can't see. It's easy for me to work a job because there's almost instant gratification. My co-workers Love me, my boss is always complimenting me and of course, I get a paycheck. So I always feel like I'm working toward some goal. Whether it's my particular shift or the week or the month. I have the goals set in my head or a manager will come to me with a problem and I solve it. That's easy.

But school is a whole 'nother beast. And it bothers me that I let school itself or my fear or my past experiences or whatever fucked up shit is going on in my head control how I feel or whether or not I succeed in school. Because I am fucking smart. No doubt about that. As smart or smarter than most of the girls I know who are done with B.A.s or going on to work on higher degrees. This. shit. boggles. MY. MIND!

Someone told me recently that school (college, in particular) isn't about being "smart" and has a lot more to do with being disciplined. And that is what I'm lacking. It happens every semester. I got for six weeks straight, do all the homework, all the reading, take all the quizzes, all the tests. Keep an A or B going for six weeks. Then midterms come or some big project that I just can't seem to focus on or discipline myself to do and bam. W here, W there. I sleep in, I don't go. I give up.

And like I said, I just don't like feeling like ANYTHING has something over me. I feel like school is in control of me and it shouldn't be that way. School should be exciting for me, a place I'd like to go. Where at the very least, I can meet new people and read something I've never read before. School should be. my. thing.

But I do this too. Much like the giving up mid-semester, I tell myself every summer that the next semester will be diff. I will take a full load of classes and I will never be late, never ditch, study, do all the readings, get organized, etc. But I'm getting to the point where I don't have much time before I start applying to transfer somewhere else. I am just so ready to get this shit done. I don't care what it takes.

People must be so annoyed. I feel like Cher from Clueless. Except instead of being a virgin who can't drive, I'm twenty-three with no degree.

Time to get real!

One day I woke up and I just didn't feel like being sad anymore. I didn't feel like being mean or hurtful or angry or bitter. I woke up and said, "You know what? I don't feel so good today. But the whole world doesn't need to know."

And this is how I've been living my life for the past two months or so. I mean, I was feeling GREAT when I came home from Texas and even in that post from March but I can't even begin to describe how everyday has just gotten better and better. I know it sounds contrived or sarcastic but .. it really isn't.

I am just so happy and Blessed and relieved to be here. On Earth. Experiencing things that should feel so old and recycled and having everything feel exciting and brand new. I remember driving down the same street two or three summers ago in the city where my job is now never, ever once thinking that (hey!) my next job was nestled in that shopping center.

I still have a lot of growing to do. A little more discipline I need to exhibit. But for now, I am planning on summer. Tanning, and finding my center, reading, getting sand between my toes. No real expectations. I let all that shit go a long time ago.

I also know that I need to stop looking. Stop glancing over my shoulder, stop dissecting faces and shoulder blades and the tones of voices. I need to stop looking for it. Focus on other things, set new goals and really try to enjoy myself for the next three months. Exercise sounds good. Quitting smoking. Something to continue the shine of this little positive beam I've got in my heart right now.

I need to stop looking for it.
And everyone knows what it is.

You know, I never thought I'd get to this place. I feel exactly how I felt three years ago. Before I ever met you or left for Texas or knew of Texas or any of that. But I don't feel like you never existed. Never, ever that. But I am happy and back into the swing of things and reading and watching all my favorite movies and listening to all my favorite songs. And the old stuff, too. Which is so great.

Again, I don't know why I stopped blogging. I don't know why I decided to blog tonight. This has always just been an outlet for me and had very little to do with who read it.

It is a very weird feeling when you wake up one morning and something just clicks. Or maybe God clicks. And this large, all consuming dark cloud filled with weight just .. lifts itself off of you. It's so beautiful and I am so grateful that I am finally here. And all in one piece.

Texas sucked. It was dark, rainy, lonely, scary and emotional. I think everything I was feeling on the outside just magnified itself in every way on the outside while I was there. But I had to leave. I needed to leave and be alone and go through all of that just to get to this beautiful place. I had to leave to come right back. And that's real.

Life is a mess. Bad shit happens and you lose people and things and feelings along the way but that doesn't make ANY of this less worth living. I mean, some things never, ever go away. And that's okay, too.

I am learning more and more that everything in life is perceptual. Most things are dependent entirely on how you look at them. If something happens to you and feel like you'll never get over it, you probably won't. I know this may seem like common sense to some (many?) of you but it took me soooo long to get here. After the cloud lifted, I started looking on the bright side of things.

I take note of the weather or a happy couple on the street. Or a new song, clean sheets, a text message. Anything. Your life is dependent on you and what you make of it. Each and every day.

And it's not about having things! Material or emotional. It's not about having cars or clothes or even Love or companionship. All of these are equally important in their own way but how you feel (inside and out), what you think, what you do and what you say are what's MOST important.

I'd always known that material things came and went but the tough lesson this time was that people do too. And your family and friends and significant other are all very defining parts of your life but if you don't even know who you are -- if you can't even define yourself, on your own -- trouble and pain are bound to follow.

Standing on my own two feet. What a blessing!