I know now.

That romance doesn't exist. At least not in real life. That real, true undying love we read about and flock to films to get glimpses of doesn't exist. And I'm ashamed I ever thought anything different. Life is hard. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. Half the time because I don't even recognize myself anymore and the other half because I can see the shame behind my eyes. For playing into such an unrealistic fantasy. Where sacrifices actually meant something and nobody was selfish. Truth is, and I've said this all week -- this is a selfish ass world. Full of selfish people, selfish motives and selfish thoughts. I gave everything to you. Everything I had spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

And now you're not here.

I want to be brief but that's not an option. Not yet.

I've gotten used to sitting in the dark in my room and now, as I do, I think and I think and I think. I think about what happened and how I let you get away with so much shit.

I'm not going to hide how I feel. That's why my MySpace, Facebook, and Twitter are all public. I'm not going to change who I am. I'm not going to cling to alcohol or cigarettes or other young men to make me feel better. I'm going to me feel better and that's the end of it.

I'm going to write and be honest. Because that's who I am. I have nothing to hide. As ashamed as I am in myself, I have enough pride left to sit here and think and analyze and figure out how I am never going to let this happen again.

"Keeping it real" and being honest are two different things.

The truth is, nobody I know knows a goddamned thing about love. No one. We are all equally fucked when it comes to trying to be in relationship with someone. We run and we fight and we tug and we push. And for what?

For this? For a few months of happiness and then "The Fall" -- that deep, dark period that newspapers and journalists say takes double the time than the happy period did.

No thank you, I refuse. I don't want to do that.

I don't want to believe.

Ever again.
(Or at least not right now.)